I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm having to shit out rocks
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
