Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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