My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize