I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
