this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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