Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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