My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
