he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
