NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
