pop tarts are not kleenex
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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