now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
