counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
