I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
