My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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