Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
