a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
