I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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