Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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