All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
