go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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