Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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