She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
