He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
