He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
