i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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