totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
