I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I am available for nakedness
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
