It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
