birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
