thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
This house was built for laser tag.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
