I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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