It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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