oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
