I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
