I wanna bring you to show and tell
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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