I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
