If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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