i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
this must be what syphilis tastes like
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
