its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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