Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
