It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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