apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
please come you make the beer taste better
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize