I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
