census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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