were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He passed out mid-signature
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
