I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize