I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Randomize
