I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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