My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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