so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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