who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
