I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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