I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
