remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
