do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
