Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
my shit smells like andre
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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