There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
