Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
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