We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
