I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
