I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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