My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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